AUTHOR’S
DISCLAIMER: Others might find this piece
so revealing and indulging my private life. Others will find this piece exaggerating
or non sense, that’s alright. I just
want to share the half of my being and the complexity of my humanity.
“The love that came back is really the love that never went away…”
"A good-bye is never painful unless you’re never going to say hello again. Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I’ll miss you until we meet again."
"Nobody can go back and start a new
beginning. But anyone can start again and make a wonderful ending."
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| sorry koya! nasama ka tuloy sa pag-eemote ko.:) |
Suddenly the ended
story turned out its pages into a new chapter. Suddenly all the memories
flashed back and brought me to a sanctuary where I want to chant all what’s going
on with my mind and my heart. I found this love story a never ending one and a
weirdest of all.
PS: I’ll make
the story complicated for my readers to get clueless more! HAHA. :”>
It was a
long journey since year of 2007 when I first met this frail boy in
front of our house. Me, acting as if I am one of the boys (because I hate being
like a girl during those time, I don’t brush my hair, I don’t wear a lipstick,
I only wear skirts when I go to church). My mom asked me to serve him a cup of “barakong
kape” while my favorite dog is already playing with his hands. The journey
never stopped and just like a common “getting to know scenarios”, my nokia 3315,my guitar and the roof of our house and the pavement of my Mother church witnessed everything and anything how the friendship turned to a romantic one.
I could be
the weirdest girl but I do have checklists of a guy before I enter to a
relationship and to those who know him more, kayo na magsabi kung pumasok sya
sa criteria ko! Hehe.
- From a far away land- Un tipong pwede ko
pagbakasyunan ang probinsya nila. Dora the Explorer kase ih! J
- Either a sport enthusiast or music
minded or dancer o kahit ano basta may talent- Eh kase frustrated ako na singer. Eh kase I love being in sport or
any outdoor activities. Eh kase wala ako talent kaya I eye someone who has.
- I won’t go in a relationship unless
graduate na ako ng college- Eh kase kilala ko sarili ko pag nagmahal. I
have a fear that when I fell inlove while studying eh hindi ko matapos
pag-aaral ko. I don’t want to disappoint my family.
- I’m not after the look, I’m after the
heart. – Un tipong super love nya ang family nya. Un tipong uunahin nya
lage needs ng family nya before his own need. I believed when a guy love
his family so much, no doubt when he build his own family, he’ll love it
that much too.
- Born Again Christian (either a Pastor or
kung hindi man e yun level of maturity serving the Lord is to the highest
level na)- Last in the list but my top of what I prayed for. I know people
around me will brag about this one, but I guessed it’s a calling also. I
want to see myself a professional woman serving God and serving His
people. I prayed for a guy who will bring me more closely to God than to
his self.
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| March 2008, HAHA! chubby ng face ko. |
The moment
when I felt there must be something and my heart might be beating abnormally, I
decided to kneel down to God and ask what He wants. I become a woman of
prayers. I asked for God’s wisdom specially I don’t know anything when it comes
to handling a relationship. Yah! I must admit, I am great in giving advice on a
bf/gf relationship but when it comes to my own, there’s a big question mark and
but’s and if’s. I don’t mind if he did the same too or how eager he prayed for,
that’s none of my business anymore. As long as God intercedes and works on, I
believed everything is on His plan.
Sweetness
has always a bitter side. The story ended but the bond is still there. We broke
up for almost 3 years but we agreed to be best friends. I must say the “getting
to know scenarios” has just started during that rainy month of June 2010. Say
to me I’m so over reacting but as the rain pours on my umbrella, the tears are
swiftly rolling on my cheeks. HAHA! It’s simply because I am forcing myself to
let go a man that I still love just because God wants to teach us something. I
have to convince myself that I must be happy because at least we’re best
friends, we are freer to be open to each other, share any burdens, joy,
frustration, prayer requests, success and failures. But that was the only one side
of a coin when you flip it. That thing sucks me. I felt the pain more knowing
we’re just friends. No cuddle up, no hugs, no surprises, no I love you and
definitely no more us on a happily ending ever as those fairytale has. Within
that long span of time, we are texting, we are calling, we are seeing each
other often but I can feel there is a big difference. I ran to him every time I
want to tell work related stories or family related thingies. He does the same
thing to me! What makes me proud of him is when he asked me to do his speech for
his graduation. I am so happy during that time while I’m with her sister and
mother as an audience but still I have a half hearted knowing we are just best
friends. I didn't go to any relationship because I want to fall inlove when I am ready not when I am lonely and I do prayed also that when I enter into a new relationship, the next man I will fall for will be the one who will bring me to altar. Yes, he didn't go into a relationship too, but there are lot of stories on his search to what his heart has and to whom his heart is for.
And all those stories no matter how hard I tried to throw up or burry down
will always be a part of this journey. And to my dear and trusted friends who patiently listened to me every time I am so weak to carry alone those pain, frustration and doubt, THANK YOU. You know who you are guys. XOXO. I won’t have any regrets; I won’t blame
myself for doing crazy things because of love for I know those are all part
of tuning up by God. Those are part of preparing me to be a better me. I
learned a lot and indeed all things work together for those who love Him
(Romans 8:28).
Like a
normal break up’s, I've been through a moving on experience. I have to spread
out my zone and find more friends to whom I can spend time and kill the moments
that I felt so lonely and broken. I long more to be in God’s presence where I
am free and relax to release all the sorrow I have. I met guys and both of them have any of
the given criteria. But I don’t consider them as suitors because when I met
them, I know my heart is still pre-occupied. That was only July 2012 when my
mind and heart worked as one. When I fully surrendered every bits of brokenness
to the Creator of my heart but the best ever decision I made was to surrender
his heart also not to any women out there but only to God. I am pretty sure that
time I am ready to fall in love to any of those men I met or I will still meet
on my search of a happy love story.
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| my devotional/diary/crying pad! HAHA. >:) |
But suddenly things changed. The two guys
disappeared like bubbles. I was so surprised when he admitted to me that the
moment when I decided to give up on him was also the moment when he realized
that I am the one. I can barely remember how our conversation on month of August 2012 went on.
He even asked for a big APOLOGY and started to rattle all the secret stories he has in his heart on that day. "I never stopped loving you. All the waiting moments, all the surprises and dates we shared though we broke up. I did it all because I still love you." He whispered those words gently into my ears that frozen me and found myself crying. What sticks to my mind was his answer to my question: “Paano
kung wala na yung love? Paano kung ayoko na?” And he shared the verse from 1 Corinthian 13:4a,7-8.
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| personalized cover photo! isa sa paborito kong gawen. :) |
And here we go again, March 2013 we went back again to the beginning, 60 months after I first said yes to him as my boyfriend. We ought to realize why we know how to love. That is because God first loved us. And we are building again all the good and bad memories ripped away by the past. We are dreaming again for the future. We are struggling again to bring a relationship that will be a blessing and an inspiration to others but most especially pleasing to God. We are praying to maintain this relationship that He is the third party, a relationship that He is the driver of a journey to infinity and beyond. We have plans, we yielded for it yet we believed still to HIS will. We never know what tomorrow may bring. If this love will be till eternity, only God knows and to Him we entrust everything. More prayers! More work outs! More steps out of faith! And this will going to be a journey starting at forever and ending at never in God’s will and help.
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| one of those vanity shots! :) |
antoooooooooook naaaa!
#ycelah_1813
march 27, 2013
2:10 am
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