It’s been a long time since
then. I guess, my heart says so. There’s a shallow within: a pitfall. I once
dream about it and now I am pursuing it. But the road to it is not that easy.
There would come a time, all I want is to give up, to back out from it. But
every time I breathe, I would recall the faces and feelings of people who believe
on me, specially my tatay, inay and kuyas. I want to bring the best for them.
This is because of them. I am dreaming more not merely for myself but for my
family.
To be frankly, I envy them. I
envy people around me. I envy them because there they are, ripping what they
sown. And me? I am still on a narrow road. I am still wandering. I cannot find strength
in me. I want to drop it down and let go of everything I am grasping.
Yet a side on me says I want
to do more. I want to strive harder but the thing is, I am so weak. I cannot
move forward. I don’t have time. I cannot manage. I envy them. I envy people
around me. I envy them because there they are, can excel more, can do more and
no heavy laden at all.
The next question now, can I
make it? Kakayanin ko ba? Kaya ko ba? Kaya ko pa ba? I am skirmishing all alone
to myself. Yes! Sarili ko kalaban ko dito. In the first place, I am made by my
choices. And I chose to be a doer of a possibility. Posible naman kasi talaga
kung sasamahan ng pagpupursigi at higit sa lahat kung loloobin ni Lord. But
every time I gauge where I am now, I cannot retort anything. Ang hirap pala.
Ang hirap pagsabayin ng lahat. Ang hirap mangarap ng mas mataas habang inaabot
mo na mga nauna mo pang pangarap. Kung sa ganang akin, wala talaga. Simpleng
analysis nga, di ko na agad maintindihan, eh di much more pa sa actual pencil
and paper scenario. But my Lord keeps on reminding me that this is not my
battle alone. Nakakaiyak at napapaiyak ako right at this moment while puzzling
all words I want to write down. Di ko maiwasan makaramdam ng pagsisi. Na sana
noon pa lang sinubukan ko na agad. Sana noon pa lang pinagpatuloy ko na. Yun
mga kasabayan ko, malayo layo na din kasi sila. But my Lord keeps on reminding
me that your story is not the same as them. Such a comforting words to know
that there is a God who keeps on telling me na may kasama ako, na di ako
nag-iisa. Our Lord would use people around me to remind me that even them, they
persevere, they worked hard for it, so why shouldn’t I. Our God would always tell me: “I have plans
for you, so don’t be in a hurry. I got you. My plans are not to harm but always
to protect. My plans are always to give what best in you. Just do yours and I’ll
do mine as well. Keep working along with your faith to Me.”
I remembered one quote I read,
If you can dream about it, you can do it. The truth is I can really dream about
it. I can foresee everything. I believe all is written in God’s plan. All is
set beautiful according to His will.
I’m up.
So for now, I’ll keep
whispering my prayers to Him.
“Lord, I’ll do all I can. If
you see I can’t anymore, could you please do the rest for Your daughter. I can't handle more than enough but You are more than able. Bear with me. Be my
strength, my joy and my wisdom. And in the end, when my wish stayed as blunted as it is,
be my comfort. Lord, this is not all about my journey. This is all about
a journey of a daughter of a King in heaven. Whatever it takes, Your name will always be
glorified in me and through me. In Jesus mighty name, amen and amen."
holding unto this...
holding unto His promises...
all are in His hands...
I'm just a dreamer, fulfillment of those are all according to His will..
ycelah83
:))))
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