Paradox

Amongst those withering socket wrenches, I knew I had bruises and it's aching. My heart is trampled and I'm afraid time might slips to heal the scars. I can no longer hear the chuckles neither find the inner of me to smirk. I saw the real thing! I unveiled the fakes and foes, the false and wrong, and the liars and the suckers. The jungle I am moving on is a corrupted one. With those adversities, I found myself sitting on a pew of a solemn place. I felt the warmth while I slumped on a shoulder.

The sound of serenity is deafening. Until a voice grumbled and echoed on my ears; "Light it up. Drop everything. Let go. You need rest. Because some of the best days of your life is just about to happen. Behold, you will see the miracles. You just had fight the good fight of faith."

And slowly I felt my head is slowly leaning away from a shoulder. I cannot move. The picture now is a warrior lulling on that solemn place. There is indispensable joy! That picture is the most beautiful of all.

ycelah_83
07/11/14, 12:08 am

First time ko makasulat ng maikli! Congratulations to my brain cells! HAHA. :)

Whatever will be will be..

“You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.”~ LLIL

Let go a little? How little you have to let go? What if all of a sudden, your toil and plan turned into absolutely nothing? How far you have to go? What if all of a sudden, the road to your finish line is under construction?

This only allude to the reality that we can’t control everything! Just like as the sun rise on the east and set on the west, life is so unpredictable. Today, you are sad, the next minute you are totally merry. We are on a jigsaw puzzle. We are on a crossroads. We are on unending roller coaster. Life to success is always a long winding journey. Life planted to us supersedes what fiction or novel has. It’s beyond our imagination. Isn’t amazing? Isn’t surprising?

It’s frustrating to know that you need to stop! Stop now and then. It’s because, there are great changes. And as a human, it’s normal to react; to get silly, to get sad or be discouraged. And the hardest part is there will be time that you will wrestle against your will and what God wants. Everything will go back to the quantity of your faith. How big is your faith: a mustard seed, an avocado seed or a seedless one? The Bible says on Matthew 17:20 that if you have so little faith, as small as a mustard seed, you can tell to the mountain to move from there and it will move.

It’s exasperating to know that you need to re rout because there are detours. And the hardest part is you don’t know which way to go. Believe me there is still a great way! You are just been misled by your feelings. Your fears and doubts are telling you there is no way anymore, but there is! God will make a way. The Bible says on Isaiah 43:19 to look unto Him for He is about to do something new. He will make a way in the wilderness and even rivers in the dessert.

It’s wearisome to know that you have to let go and start a new one. And the hardest part is you don’t have the courage to start all over again. Listen to a sweet still small voice and frequently remind yourself that God is with you. Remind yourself and always believe that God will never fail you. The Bible says on Proverbs 19:21 that it is you who plan your ways, but the Lord is the One who direct your steps.

When God puts something in your heart, believe on it. If you can dream about it, you can do it! Whatever you have in your heart now: car, house and lot, baby, grand wedding dream, permanent job, promotion, career growth, college degree, healing and even up to the very simple happy thoughts, He will enable you to have those. And if there are times, you are not getting any, be still and hold on. God knows what He is doing. The Bible says on Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Say these words: “God is with me, He will not abandon me.” Give God the little you have and you can trust Him to make it go around. Let go a little and you’ll see a life to happen for whatever will be will be que sera sera. 

ycelah_1813

02/20/19

4:53 pm

A journey starting at forever and ending at never! :)

AUTHOR’S DISCLAIMER:  Others might find this piece so revealing and indulging my private life. Others will find this piece exaggerating or non sense, that’s alright.  I just want to share the half of my being and the complexity of my humanity.

“The love that came back is really the love that never went away…”

"A good-bye is never painful unless you’re never going to say hello again. Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I’ll miss you until we meet again."

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning. But anyone can start again and make a wonderful ending." 

sorry koya! nasama ka tuloy sa pag-eemote ko.:)

Suddenly the ended story turned out its pages into a new chapter. Suddenly all the memories flashed back and brought me to a sanctuary where I want to chant all what’s going on with my mind and my heart. I found this love story a never ending one and a weirdest of all.

PS: I’ll make the story complicated for my readers to get clueless more! HAHA. :”>

It was a long journey since year of 2007 when I first met this frail boy in front of our house. Me, acting as if I am one of the boys (because I hate being like a girl during those time, I don’t brush my hair, I don’t wear a lipstick, I only wear skirts when I go to church). My mom asked me to serve him a cup of “barakong kape” while my favorite dog is already playing with his hands. The journey never stopped and just like a common “getting to know scenarios”, my nokia 3315,my guitar and the roof of our house and the pavement of my Mother church witnessed everything and anything how the friendship turned to a romantic one.

I could be the weirdest girl but I do have checklists of a guy before I enter to a relationship and to those who know him more, kayo na magsabi kung pumasok sya sa criteria ko! Hehe.

1. From a far away land- Un tipong pwede ko pagbakasyunan ang probinsya nila. Dora the Explorer kase ih! J
2. Either a sport enthusiast or music minded or dancer o kahit ano basta may talent- Eh kase frustrated ako na singer. Eh kase I love being in sport or any outdoor activities. Eh kase wala ako talent kaya I eye someone who has.
3. I won’t go in a relationship unless graduate na ako ng college- Eh kase kilala ko sarili ko pag nagmahal. I have a fear that when I fell inlove while studying eh hindi ko matapos pag-aaral ko. I don’t want to disappoint my family.
4. I’m not after the look, I’m after the heart. – Un tipong super love nya ang family nya. Un tipong uunahin nya lage needs ng family nya before his own need. I believed when a guy love his family so much, no doubt when he build his own family, he’ll love it that much too.
5. Born Again Christian (either a Pastor or kung hindi man e yun level of maturity serving the Lord is to the highest level na)- Last in the list but my top of what I prayed for. I know people around me will brag about this one, but I guessed it’s a calling also. I want to see myself a professional woman serving God and serving His people. I prayed for a guy who will bring me more closely to God than to his self.

March 2008, HAHA! chubby ng face ko.

The moment when I felt there must be something and my heart might be beating abnormally, I decided to kneel down to God and ask what He wants. I become a woman of prayers. I asked for God’s wisdom specially I don’t know anything when it comes to handling a relationship. Yah! I must admit, I am great in giving advice on a bf/gf relationship but when it comes to my own, there’s a big question mark and but’s and if’s. I don’t mind if he did the same too or how eager he prayed for, that’s none of my business anymore. As long as God intercedes and works on, I believed everything is on His plan.

Sweetness has always a bitter side. The story ended but the bond is still there. We broke up for almost 3 years but we agreed to be best friends. I must say the “getting to know scenarios” has just started during that rainy month of June 2010. Say to me I’m so over reacting but as the rain pours on my umbrella, the tears are swiftly rolling on my cheeks. HAHA! It’s simply because I am forcing myself to let go a man that I still love just because God wants to teach us something. I have to convince myself that I must be happy because at least we’re best friends, we are freer to be open to each other, share any burdens, joy, frustration, prayer requests, success and failures. But that was the only one side of a coin when you flip it. That thing sucks me. I felt the pain more knowing we’re just friends. No cuddle up, no hugs, no surprises, no I love you and definitely no more us on a happily ending ever as those fairytale has. Within that long span of time, we are texting, we are calling, we are seeing each other often but I can feel there is a big difference. I ran to him every time I want to tell work related stories or family related thingies. He does the same thing to me! What makes me proud of him is when he asked me to do his speech for his graduation. I am so happy during that time while I’m with her sister and mother as an audience but still I have a half hearted knowing we are just best friends. I didn't go to any relationship because I want to fall inlove when I am ready not when I am lonely and I do prayed also that when I enter into a new relationship, the next man I will fall for will be the one who will bring me to altar. Yes, he didn't go into a relationship too, but there are lot of stories on his search to what his heart has and to whom his heart is for. And all those stories no matter how hard I tried to throw up or burry down will always be a part of this journey. And to my dear and trusted friends who patiently listened to me every time I am so weak to carry alone those pain, frustration and doubt, THANK YOU. You know who you are guys. XOXO. I won’t have any regrets; I won’t blame myself for doing crazy things because of love for I know those are all part of tuning up by God. Those are part of preparing me to be a better me. I learned a lot and indeed all things work together for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

Like a normal break up’s, I've been through a moving on experience. I have to spread out my zone and find more friends to whom I can spend time and kill the moments that I felt so lonely and broken. I long more to be in God’s presence where I am free and relax to release all the sorrow I have. I met guys and both of them have any of the given criteria. But I don’t consider them as suitors because when I met them, I know my heart is still pre-occupied. That was only July 2012 when my mind and heart worked as one. When I fully surrendered every bits of brokenness to the Creator of my heart but the best ever decision I made was to surrender his heart also not to any women out there but only to God. I am pretty sure that time I am ready to fall in love to any of those men I met or I will still meet on my search of a happy love story. 

my devotional/diary/crying pad! HAHA. >:)

But suddenly things changed. The two guys disappeared like bubbles. I was so surprised when he admitted to me that the moment when I decided to give up on him was also the moment when he realized that I am the one. I can barely remember how our conversation on month of August 2012 went on. He even asked for a big APOLOGY and started to rattle all the secret stories he has in his heart on that day. "I never stopped loving you. All the waiting moments, all the surprises and dates we shared though we broke up. I did it all because I still love you." He whispered those words gently into my ears that frozen me and found myself crying.  What sticks to my mind was his answer to my question: “Paano kung wala na yung love? Paano kung ayoko na?” And he shared the verse from 1 Corinthian 13:4a,7-8.

personalized cover photo! isa sa paborito kong gawen. :)

And here we go again, March 2013 we went back again to the beginning, 60 months after I first said yes to him as my boyfriend. We ought to realize why we know how to love. That is because God first loved us. And we are building again all the good and bad memories ripped away by the past. We are dreaming again for the future. We are struggling again to bring a relationship that will be a blessing and an inspiration to others but most especially pleasing to God. We are praying to maintain this relationship that He is the third party, a relationship that He is the driver of a journey to infinity and beyond. We have plans, we yielded for it yet we believed still to HIS will. We never know what tomorrow may bring. If this love will be till eternity, only God knows and to Him we entrust everything. More prayers! More work outs! More steps out of faith! And this will going to be a journey starting at forever and ending at never in God’s will and help.

one of those vanity shots! :)

antoooooooooook naaaa!

#ycelah_1813

march 27, 2013

2:10 am

what i like most....

hahaha..i am a frustrated graphic artist. Yes I admit it. . NO doubt. I am just a trying hard one. And out of my frustration. Here it comes.

FIRST TRY!And frustrations turned to addictions. Explore. Explore. Experiment!

Kill the boredom! :)

I never stopped! And more and more pictures of mine were created by mine. I enjoyed so much.

LIFE GOES ON.....

This is how our life goes on…

We stumbled…

For as to stand up!

We were broken…

For as to be whole!

We were emptied…

For as to be filled!

We were lost…

For as to be found!

We were betrayed…

For as to trust!

We were disappointed...

For as to gain self esteem!

We were hurt…

For as to give more love!



No matter our life brought to us. There's one thing we ought to believe.

AND THAT IS...

Life must goes on!

Like a river flowing over the sea..

Like a flower that blooms on its season...

Like a catterpilar that will be a butterfly soon..

Like a sun that shines after a long night..

Like a rainbow that appears after a rain..

Life really must go on!

ycelah_1813

12:28pm

GOD'S PLAN..

I have read this from a website and just like to share! :))

God's Plan

Some things are beyond planning.

And life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart.

You don't plan for a failed business venture.

You don't plan for an adulterous husband

or a wife who wants you out of her life.

You don't plan for an autistic child.

You don't plan for spinsterhood.

You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.

You plan to climb the corporate ladder.

You plan to be rich and powerful.

You plan to be acclaimed and successful.

You plan to conquer the universe.

You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.

You don't plan to be hurt.

You don't plan to be broke.

You don't plan to be betrayed.

You don't plan to be alone in this world.

You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.

But MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.

Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry, but we can carry that cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.

Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.

Sometimes, God allows pain so we can be stronger.

Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble.

Sometimes, God allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves. Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans, but understand that we live by God's grace.

There is time and purpose for everything!

So, what's with December 08, 2010??

I've been asking myself why should I make a note or squiggle my mind to write again! Illusions! Deceptive! Tragic! blah blah..what else shall I add to make my reader more curious.

Suffocate!

Burned out!

Hands up!

Give up!

Or I just making the story exaggerated!

Bottom line is that I became a big “L” as in LOOSER!

I just found out myself like a brat who missed her favorite cartoon show, who broke her favorite doll, who didn’t get her extraordinary chocolates from a store. I end up doubting and questioning. Poor poor lady am I?

Cry. Burst in tears. Self-pity!

This one is too bad. Is these all I can do? I can’t do anything. And when all else subsides, I concluded that: Maybe it’s alright for me to cry so I can smile again. Maybe it’s alright for me to shout so I can be in silent again. Maybe it’s alright for me to rest so I can have a renewed strength.

Quit. Run away. Escape!

I just want to get lose. Oohhh! What’s going on? I give up. I’ll stop now. I don’t want a life like this. This is not I want. I am tired. I am weak. I don’t want anymore. I get to a point where all I can say, “I’m done trying. Enough is enough.”

Pause. Talk to Him. Pray!

What’s with me? Shame to myself. Where’s my faith after all? Where is the declaration of faith?

When I am about to sleep, a friend of mine share these bible verse that I think God really intended for me to read and dwell with the passages.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8.

To everything there is a season, and

a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and

a time to die;

a time to plant, and

a time to pluck up

that which is planted;

A time to kill, and

a time to heal;

a time to break down, and

a time to build up;

A time to weep, and

a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and

a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and

a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and

a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and

a time to lose;

a time to keep, and

a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and

a time to sow;

a time to keep silence, and

a time to speak;

A time to love, and

a time to hate;

a time of war; and

a time of peace.

Grateful. Moving on. Getting over it!

God is good all the time. There is really a time for everything. Every day may not be good... but there's something good in every day. The way I am is not the result of what has happened to me, it's the result of what I decide to keep inside me. And I have decided to keep inside me HIS promise:

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for You, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

PS:

Hahaha..hinde po ako expert writer!

This is my releasing window: a zone where I am able to express what’s with me. There‘s a part of my being who likes to write. It’s half of my passion.

Kaya pasensya na sa grammar at english vocabulary ko. :)

God bless everyone!

12/9/10

12:25 pm